When couple first takes their vows on their beautiful wedding day, mostly likely they are not thinking that the “for worse” portion may come to pass. However, I believe it is very important to learn how a marriage can weather a storm, because unfortunately most of us will have to overcome a storm at some time in our marriages. So many things can cause a storm- the loss of a job, parent, home, or any number of things can cause extra strain on the relationship that means the most in the world to us.

Six years ago, our first child was born- what we thought was a healthy 10 pounds, 10 ounces. What we didn’t know was that starting the next day,  God would send us on a wild ride, including a stay in the neonatal intensive care unit, a surgery on our seven-week-old son, and eventually, a move to a new city to start a brand new church!

Like I said, it seemed as though Landon couldn’t be anything but healthy. He was HUGE! We had a magical first day with him- loving on him and sharing him with lots of family and friends. The next morning, Ben went to check on him in the nursery at the hospital and noticed he was under the bili lights. I figured it was no big deal, since I was jaundiced quickly after birth as well.

A few hours later, our pediatrician came in and said that she might have to transfer him to a bigger hospital because some of his blood work came back high. I honestly still didn’t even worry too much at that time- I figured it would all be ok. But a few hours later, without much warning, the ambulance crew from another city was there to take my baby away from me. I will never forget the horror of that day as we decided if Ben should go with the baby, or stay with me. {I couldn’t leave until the next day since I’d had a c-section. Remember, he was big!}

I immediately felt closer to Ben than I ever had before, and it was precisely at that moment he had to leave. My dad went with him and my mom stayed with me, as well as my sister, cousins, and aunts.

The next several weeks were filled with lots and lots of stress that no new parent should have to endure. After he was released from the NICU with no definitive diagnosis, we then had weekly trips to a city three hours away, as well as bi-weekly pediatrician visits and lab draws. So we were at the doctor three days a week! Add on top of that the no sleeping that comes with a newborn, and it easily put a huge strain on our marriage.

In Landon’s first seven months of life, we spent a total of over a month in the hospital with him. It is still a painful time to think about, but God really used all of those hours to fuse mine and Ben’s hearts even more tightly together. There’s not a whole lot to do in a hospital room with an infant, so we spent lots of time talking, praying, and crying together.

If you and your spouse find yourself in a storm, here are three suggestions to help you come out with an even stronger marriage:

1.) Do not blame each other. Do not blame each other. Do not blame each other.

Do I think this is important? What made ya think that? 🙂

Now, I understand that there are situations where one spouse is truly at fault {affairs, racking up major credit card bills to the detriment of your credit, etc.} but I’m speaking about the things that come about in life naturally. If your spouse loses his job due to company cutbacks, be very intentional to be encouraging to him. His ego is probably already punctured and deflated- he doesn’t need for his wife to add to the inury.

I really think the reason we were able to make it through so many long, hard days in the hospital without a single argument (praise God!) was because we knew we were in this together, not against one another.

2.) Together, allow God to be your comforter.

 If you are going through something truly difficult, you obviously will lean on each other, but there will most likely come a moment when you are both so weak that you just can’t be the rock for one another. If you are leaning on God together from the get-go, it will allow room for both of you to have melt downs at the same time!

I remember how Ben was so strong through the whole ordeal, until the day of Landon’s surgery. There was still a minute chance that Landon did not have the disease that they were trying to diagnose, and that would have been wonderful. We were both hoping this would be the case, but at the same time trying to be realistic. 

I will never forget when the surgeon came out (after four hours) to tell us that Landon did in fact have biliary atresia, Ben slid to the floor and sobbed. I was almost in a daze- seeing my strong man like that. I knew at that point that although Ben served as an awesome protector for our family, he simply couldn’t protect us from everything even though he so wanted to. We would have to look to God for that role.

3.) Allow other people to help as well.

Ben and I lead very public lives- he was the youth minister at our church at the time, and now a pastor. So we pretty much don’t have the option of keeping anything major going in our lives to ourselves! And I honestly don’t think any of us are meant to live isolated lives. In the book of Acts in the early church, we see church members readily helping one another.

Now it is certainly true that there were days in the hospital I didn’t answer the phone for anybody but my mama and my sister because I was just too emotionally drained, but oh, the help of others was amazing! They brought food, they gave us books and magazines to read, they cried with us, they helped us financially, they just in general loved on us in an amazing way. I don’t know how anybody goes through a crisis without the love of family and a church family.

Dear sister, if you and your husband (or you alone, if you’re single) are going through a rough spot- reach out! If you don’t have a church home, I gently urge you to find one. If you find the right “home,” the people can help nurture you through whatever it is. I think as Americans we sometimes have the attitude of independence and that we can handle it all on our own, but the body of Christ is meant to work together- no matter what our culture says otherwise!

I truly hope that it is smooth sailing in your family right now. But the reality is, some of you reading this are probably at a time in your lives where you wonder how your marriage will ever survive the trials you are enduring right now. But choose not to blame one another, choose to lean into God during these times, and use the available help of others- with lots of prayer, your marriage can survive, and even become better through it!